You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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