yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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