god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
