i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
