I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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