I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
