I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
