i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
