I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I wish there were birth control emojis
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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