Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
