someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
