Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
