she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Randomize
