it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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