listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
