Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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