You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
