You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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