What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
