Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
someone threw a dead crab at me
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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