If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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