i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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