I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
