I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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