Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
