Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
