brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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