Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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