I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
No subtext here. People are naked.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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