I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize