By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
that's an acceptable place to lick
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
