you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
