I feel great
I just peed on a car
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
