Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
