Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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