So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
