you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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