I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
