Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
