If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
