My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
