Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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