U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
