I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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