I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
