Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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