We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
