Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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