STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
