You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
