there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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