I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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