So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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