i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Everything about him screamed your future.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
