I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
