i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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