Your face is a jimmy john
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
