Already got asked if we're dating
from now on my penis is your penis
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
